Subject: Your elegant watch will keep you warm

What, does it have a space heater built-in?

Subject: You are old enough to have a designer watch

Wait, there are age limits on these things? Is there a pamphlet or legal statute I can check for this?

Subject: No watch will be able to compete with yours

No thanks, the last thing I need is the government trying to declare my wrist a monopoly.

Subject: An elegant watch will give you the wings.

I didn’t know Red Bull made watches now.

Subject: Change your life for better ? get a decent watch.

Just a ‘decent’ one, though. Wouldn’t want to be showy or anything.

Subject: Feel the wonder of having a tremendous instrument

We’re still talking about watches here, right?

Subject: Be satisfied for life!

You know, most DMs fulfill that kind of Wish request by doing something like killing you instantly…

Subject: Enter the New Year without ED dysfunction

ATM machine. PIN number. ED dysfunction.

Subject: Your dream is reality You have 70% cut off in our software shop

Er, which 70% of me do you intend to cut off?

Subject: Amaze your gf with your new dimension

Hey, I have enough trouble navigating through three dimensions already.

Subject: Embarassed over what you have in your pants?

I swear, officer, I have no idea how that squirrel got in there.

Subject: I will guide you to your first million;))

Whoa, no thanks. I have no idea what I’d do with that many smilies.

Subject: Full of health? Then don't click!

You’re right, I should save that health pack until the boss fight.

Subject: Forget about annoying 30-40 minutes before sex.

Hey, what have you got against foreplay?

Subject: Fifth Third Bank reminder: mail from Fifth Third Bank.

Sorry, but I’m actually signed up with the Thirty-Fourth Seventeenth Bank.

Subject: Wanna read the conversations your husband, wife, and kids are having on Yahoo and MSN?

Sure! I’d love to spy on both my wife, and, uh…husband?

Subject: PUSH PUSH PUSH

Why? Am I in the middle of labor? I hate sudden surprises like that…

Subject: Urgent: ISP detected!

Oh no! I bet I’m broadcasting an IP address, too!

Subject: Extra power. Don't think. Just act.

Sorry, I think you meant to send this to Tom Cruise.

Subject: Elvis asked me to send you this.

Well you certainly took your sweet time getting it to me, didn’t you?

Subject: Don't expose your intimate life!

Whew, thanks, I didn’t realize those blinds were wide open…

Subject: Break the work habit

Unfortunately that would just send me into the begging-for-change habit…

Subject: Please disregard this message

Okay.

Subject: Everyone qualifys for our Diplomas! Cneitz

Hey, I’ve always wanted a diploma in breathing…

Subject: King of Pharmacy 8v

That’s only slightly more impressive than Duke of Deli Counter 3B.

Subject: Make big points with your boss!

I don’t think he’s the type to play video games, unfortunately.

Subject: Improved IMMUNITY

But can you get me diplomatic immunity? That would be sweet…

Subject: Don't condoms suck?

No, you need somebody else’s assistance for that part.

Subject: What are you doing with all that pain?

I keep it in a desk drawer, in case I get unwanted visitors.

Subject: We got what you need cheap! To your door! OVERNIGHT

Wow, I didn’t know you could order swift kicks in the ass online.

Subject: Monkeys turned into workaholics

Uh oh, hopefully they’re not after my job…

Subject: Say bye to stomach and thighs

But I like being able to digest and walk…

Subject: responsible for the deaths

Damn, now I’m going to have to go into hiding again.

Subject: Find out if Francesca is a real man
Subject: Find out if Andre is a real woman

Um, I’d hope *not*…

Subject: Re: machine-guns. Then you attempted

Attempted what??? Whatever it was, it sounded like fun…

Subject: don't be a moron Garth

Shyeah, it’s way too late for a Wayne’s World 3. But it’s never too late for a Party Time!!!

Subject: your mother knows you watch dangerous videos

Yeah, but I’m a grown man. I can watch “Do-It-Yourself Heart Surgery” if I want to.

Subject: Make your plate invisible- languish bowmen

Woohoo! I’ll finally be safe from all those archers hiding in the bushes along the highway.

Subject: Our team is ready

Good. Take out the communications towers while Strike Force B surrounds the airport. The capital will fall within hours.

Subject: New Drug Store Kenny

Oh my God, they overdosed Kenny! You bastards!

Subject: The crocodile's best weapon against infection Ann

I didn’t know Typhoid Mary had a sister. Those crocodiles better watch out…

Subject: re : painfull appointment tuesday at 22-00

I think I might skip this appointment.

Subject: scan your PC for free Andy

No thanks, I’ve already got all the Andy I need.

Subject: Earth is not round! It's dirty!

Hey, round things can be dirty…

Subject: FAt sluts get DIRTY!

See!

Subject: i haerd you borke into a huose last ngiht

This is just fun to say with a mock-Swedish accent.

Subject: can Joaquin come over and watch?

Sure, he can sit there enthralled while I fix up compiler warnings, validate type safety after adjusting interfaces, fill out work schedule estimates…

Subject: assist your husband with his pain

Things You Didn’t Know About Yourself Part #1: Your gay spouse.

Subject: why does your wife spy on you

Things You Didn’t Know About Yourself Part #2: And apparently I’m a polygamist.

Subject: help your daughter with her pain

Things You Didn’t Know About Yourself Part #3: With a presumably adopted or bastard daughter.

Subject: Please confirm everything,. Mon, 01 Nov 2004

Gee, I don’t know if I have the authority to confirm *everything*…

Subject: no need to lie on your application, we can sell you a verifiable universitty digree

I’m betting that it’s not a degree in English.

Subject: you can't get the position without a digree

And you obviously got yours from the first guy…

Subject: As seen on FOX News! Canadian Pharmacy Drugs %RND_ALT mayhem

Yes, it’s an unfortunate side effect that Canadian drugs have a tendency to spontaneously write violent, buggy e-mail scripts.

Subject: online HIV test: check it out

I’m not sure I want to know how an online test would collect the samples…

Subject: Now you can have her constipate kale

The danger of using randomly selected keywords is that the generated result might be even less appealing than what you’re flogging in the first place…

Subject: Don't forget your superman pill!

Forget that, where can I get myself some Batman pills?

Subject: Adult Shop - Movie Section!!! strickland

Do they also sell propane and propane accessories?

Subject: STOP PAYING FOR YOUR Pay_Per_View_Movies IX:z8gon26923

But if I didn’t pay for them, then they wouldn’t be pay-per-view…

Subject: sheee miiiight saaaaaay it's too haaaard

Aaaaand iiiiit miiiight giiiiive heeeer aaaa speeeeech impeeeedimeeeent tooooo.

Subject: what if you had.. battalion maggot

Is that a new Warhammer 40K figurine?

Subject: Loving yourself is the begenning of loving life!

Hey, it’s none of your business how I ‘love myself’…

Subject: Your employer said they can't hire you because you don't have a degree

Um, if they’re my employer, then they’ve already hired me…

Subject: Bonanza! Please treat ASAP.

What kind of doctor should I see to get this bonanza treated?

Subject: We Can Help You 27lt

Thanks, but what I really need help with is 6pq8vring.

Subject: RE: Get a Date Quick

January 17th! Well, that was easy.

Subject: splatter your mother with semen! husband

…